New Big Brother, but Still My Baby...

There is so much to write about the last year or so and I feel terrible that I let this blog go for so long. But now there are more pressing things on my mind because JJ became a big brother this past weekend. So the last year's events will have to wait for a later post.

I'm very happy that we have Elka, our new addition to the family, but this post isn't about her. It's about JJ. My sweet, sweet JJ. Everyone says that these transitions are harder for us than they are for our children, but how does anyone know that for sure? I think this has to be an incredibly hard time for JJ, and he's doing a great job of covering it up, but it shows through now and then, and I feel sad for my little boy.

Since Elka got here JJ has seemed to be taking it all in stride. He was quiet at first, not really knowing what to make of the baby, and then he was more interested, asking questions, making observations, "oh, the baby's sleepin'!" and the like. I've been spending almost all of my time with Elka, nursing her, holding her, taking care of her and resting so that I can recover from the birth. JJ has been downstairs or outside with Jeremy and with his Uncle Matt, who is staying with us to help out during this time of change. Everything seems to be fine, but today something happened that makes me realize that JJ has a lot of feelings about this new addition to our family, and I'm not sure he knows how to process it or how to express himself about it.

I had been upstairs for most of the day, and when I came down, JJ was in his high chair eating lunch. Jeremy was putting something together for me to eat, and I looked at JJ. As soon as he saw me look at him he said, "No, Momma go away!" He kept insisting that I leave, telling me to go away, go THAT way (pointing in the direction from which I had come) and so forth. Jeremy and I told him that it wasn't nice to tell Momma to go away and that he should stop saying it. This eventually turned into a full-blown tantrum and crying fit on JJ's part, and while I know it was probably just his way of having some control over things during a chaotic time for him, it was hard not to take personally what he was saying to me.

I decided to let my lunch sit for a while and put JJ down for his nap myself, like I did every day before Elka was born. Once I had him in my arms (I know, I shouldn't be lifting him yet) he cuddled me and played with my hair they way I've been yearning for these last few days. We laid down in his bed and he played with my hair more playfully, throwing it in my face so that I would blow it away from my face, and we both laughed until I started to cry. Not happy, laughing tears, but just emotional tears. I've been missing times like these with JJ and while I know that there are plenty more to be had once we all adjust to being a family of four, it saddens me to know that both JJ and I have been deprived of our normal relationship lately. Once I started reading to him, as is our nap-time routine, he tangled his hand up in my hair, his little arm nestled under my neck, and smooshed his face against mine, and he was smiling. We were back together, and we were both so happy about it.

I read to him until he fell asleep, which I don't usually do, and once he was finally asleep I sat and looked at him for a long while. He looks like a giant -- his big face starting to lose the "baby look"; his long, muscular legs; his thick, bushy hair (at least, compared to Elka's). He's really not a baby anymore and I can't help but wonder where all the time has gone. And where did the last nine months go? The last nine months which were my last chance to give him my undivided attention and love, when we could do whatever we wanted to do together, whenever we wanted. When I could sit on the couch and read him book after book after book. Now he tells me to "go away," and I'm starting to understand why.

It's not that he really doesn't want me around. In fact I believe it's the complete opposite. But he knows I'm not going to be around as much as I was and he's trying to compensate for his lack of control of the situation. I know that all of this will get better and easier for all of us. I know that I've got a ridiculous amount of hormones coursing through my body right now and that I'm extremely emotional and sensitive. I know that very soon JJ is going to love Elka as much as I do. And I know that he's going to be a terrific big brother and that he will be happy to not be an only child. But right now I don't think that we can say, "this is harder on you than it is on him," because I think this is equally hard on both of us. Since the day he was born he's been the center of my universe, and while it would be more accurate to say that there are now two suns in my universe rather than to say that JJ has been consumed by a new one, things are going to change. He's going to have to adjust to a new life that requires him to share his parents, his time, his home. You you can't tell me that isn't hard for a little boy.

Both JJ and Elka are napping right now and while I know that is any new mother's dream, I hope it doesn't work like that all the time. I want to make sure that JJ and I have our alone time once in a while, not to mention that Elka deserves some one-on-one time, too. I'm already longing for the times past when we had no plans, no schedule, and nothing defining our day except for our love and our whims. Even though I'm sure our new life will be just as rewarding and full of love and experience as our old life was, it's hard to let go of that time we will never get back.